When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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