dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
