I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
