i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
