I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If I die, sorry about rent.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
