I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
