I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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