Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
