She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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