So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
