i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
