remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
