So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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