there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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