i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
