Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
