They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
