i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Send help, water and tortillas.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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