I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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