just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
