I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night