cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
