I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
