im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.