Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
