is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
