ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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