you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
