there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
