I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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