Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
