life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
