Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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