my mouth tastes like poor choices
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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