i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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