If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
