Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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