you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
