I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
