I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
