Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need a beard to bite.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
