i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
babies were throwing up all over the place
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
