I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
