He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
