I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
