guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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