then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
