dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
