the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
do nipples grow back?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
