i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
