I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
