i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
