i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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