She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
