I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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