I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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